我希望能够把自己变得更完美
这样才能配得上你。:)

Faith. Belief. Hope. Dreams.

Faith.

Belief.

Hope.

Dreams.

Before the year of 2011, I had seen no reason to believe in what people called God. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it's wrong or anything. I guess I just wasn't ready to devote myself to a religion. 

But now, I finally understand the feeling of needing a religion, or simply a belief, to guide us through the forest of life; of needing the strength to pull through hard times; of praying every night before bed and feeling better about it; of being able to dream and to wish that your dreams may come true; of having no one but God to turn to.

I believe. And I'm not ashamed to say so. I believe so that I can continue to work hard silently even if no human can see it. But I know God sees it all; talent, effort, sacrifice, tears, scars, pain. I didn't waste twelve years, getting my hard work denied, for nothing. 

I promise I will be a strong person, no matter what happens. 

10

10 things I learnt about myself:

1. I'm irresponsible.

2. I'm weird.

3. My handwriting's ugly.

4. I can't be trusted.

5. I don't do well with numbers.

6. I can't do anything except studying.

7. I suck at giving information.

8. I don't really understand people's questions.

9. I'm not good at art.

10. I care too much about what other people think.

I think people sometimes forget that I'm human.

It was as if I never existed.

Merely a Fool

I guess I was a fool to have believed that things will turn out to be better. Or to have ever thought that I can actually be happy for once without fail. Maybe it's true that happiness never lasts? Even if it does, I don't think I still have enough faith to pull through now.

Checklist

Things I have to do before tuition at 8pm:

1. Wash my clothes.

2. Hang my clothes.

3. Wash all the plates, mugs and cutlery.

(as the insecticide is poisonous)

4. Feed the tortoises.

5. Mop the floor.

6. Replant Mum's plant.

7. Practice my scales.

8. Practice my piano exam pieces.

9. Practice the pieces for the school concert rehearsal on Tuesday.

10. Mend my broken ruler.

11. Remind all choir members to pass up their surat kebenaran.

12. Eat something.

13. Think of ideas for the NIE project.

14. Inform AJKs about the meeting on Friday.

15. Stop crying.

Emotional Breakdown

I knew today was meant to be a terribly wrong day for me when I nearly cried three times within those 20 minutes of the journey from home to school. I really don't know what's the matter with me. Maybe it's cause I haven't really cried for such a long time. ( Yeah right. )

So, a few who-knows-who-they-are from the health department (or so they say) came to my house yesterday, poked a few things around my house and decided that they were going to spray the whole block with insecticides. And trust me, it ain't pretty. And they had to leave the floor in such a oh-so-sticky condition.

Anyway, my mum asked my dad to buy her some fried noodles. So yeah, that doesn't sound like a problem to you, does it? But IT IS! It was 6.45 in the morning, for goodness' sake! Where on Earth are we gonna find fried noodles! Gosh. On the way out of the house, Grandma had to ask Dad to fetch her to the hospital, which made him even more frustrated than he was one minute ago. And all the way from the elevator to the car park to the market (where we were going to buy fried noodles but there wasn't any), Dad was grumbling about his busy life and practically just complaining about everything to me. Yeah. Welcome to Earth, Dad! After ranting for a quite a long while, Dad stopped. He asked me if there was anything I'd like to tell him. And right then, was the first time I felt like crying. I wanted to tell him everything. But I couldn't. How could I, after hearing all his complaints? I wouldn't wanna make his life more miserable.

Then, headed to Prima Tanjung just to find out the stall that sold fried noodles wasn't open yet. After that, to Pulau Tikus just to be disappointed again. But finally, near the Pulau Tikus market we found our savior! Due to parking problems I had to go down to buy it, but no big deal right? Bought it, got back into the car, thought we could've just drove off to the hospital to visit Mum, but no, I got scolded by my dad 'cause I forgot to take the chopsticks. For goodness' sake, she's staying in the hospital, there was to be a fork somewhere in there! And yeah, this was where I felt tears in my eyes for the second time.

The hospital was strangely crowded for 7.15am. We had to circle around for a while just to find a parking space. Dad was in his 'super speed' mode again. I could tell from the way he just walked and left me behind. Thanks a lot! Now I'm kinda grateful that I don't have to deal with him quite this often. Almost got lost in the wards as I couldn't catch up with him, like who can? Unless you're running! When I saw her, I wanted to cry so, sooooooooooo badly. I wanted to run into her arms , tell her that everything's not okay, that everything's just so effed-up. I wanted her to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see her this weak and I knew it. I couldn't bear to trouble her. I wouldn't want her to be suffering more than she already is. And so, I didn't.

5 minutes passed too soon and we had to leave or else Dad will be late. I walked like a mad person, trying to catch up with Dad. The journey to my school from Adventist was short, as expected. I got out of the car and bid farewell, walked all the way to the hall to get my score, then off to Bilik Syarahan for Chinese Orchestra practice. I thought I was going to break apart. But as I saw my friends' faces, I couldn't. All I could think of was that I was truly lucky to be a part of something that was so, so beautiful.

Funny how friends and music can bring me to absolute peace. I guess that's why I enjoy every moment of my co-curricular activities. But that's something some will never understand, no matter how hard I try to make them realise that there is a bright side to every single thing. I love my life. Love how it makes me laugh. Love how it makes me cry. Love how it's completely insane sometimes.

I just wanna cherish every moment.

Live life to the fullest.

Going Nuts

Gah.

I have no idea why I keep having this urge to blog every day.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm gonna go nuts sooner or later.

Well, better start writing before I become too insane to do so.

And yeah, you can stop reading here now,

Cause basically my rants don't really matter.

I used to really look forward to choir practice.

And I used to wish that the practice never ends.

But over these few years, things began to change.

I know, I know.

Time changes everything, as the saying goes.

Then again, there has to be a reason behind all of this.

I don't know.

After all these years, being teased as "the choir girl"...

I guess I didn't really care about it back then,

When I used to actually gain more than I give.

But I'm beginning to think that I DO care.

Is this all a part of growing up?

Well, if the answer to my question was yes,

Then sweet sixteen isn't so sweet after all.

Look.

I don't wanna waste my friggin' energy on you guys anymore.

I think I've reached my limit now.

Thanks for all your efforts guys.

I really need a vacation right now.

Scarred

I don't know what I should do right now.

You made me feel as if everything that went wrong was my fault.

When actually it wasn't.

I don't get why you're treating me like this.

You left me alone.

Waiting for you.

That Friday night.

Not answering my calls.

Not calling me back.

For the first time,

I admit.

I was really scared.

And no word can fully describe the relief I felt

as I saw that familiar car.

As I saw your face.

From which I could tell that you've been drinking.

The way back was in an awkward silence,

you sped on again.

My heart was probably racing at a hundred miles an hour.

As the lights and buildings whirled past me.

The fear was building up inside of me.

Fear of hitting another car.

Fear of being hit.

Fear of losing control.

Fear of losing everything I now have in my life.

You hurt me deeply.

Said that I wasn't willing to help.

When in fact, I didn't know how to help you.

I couldn't help.

Even if I wanted to.

Why do you have to put it in such a bad way?

I thought you were someone who'd give me comfort.

Someone who would never ever hurt me.

Guess I was a fool.

I'm not asking for an apology.

I don't need anymore lies.

But please

Don't hurt me anymore.

Stop the Pain.

I'm sorry I'm not pretty.

I'm sorry I'm not smart.

I'm sorry I'm not kind.

I'm sorry I'm not outgoing.

I'm sorry I can't do anything.

I'm sorry I just want to be myself.

I'm sorry I swear too much.

I'm sorry I can' be everything you want me to be.

Now, would you stop hurting me?

Issues

It was a typical school day.I was all dragging my oh-so-out-of-energy body up to class, slamming my bag onto the chair, sitting down, and I was just about to lay my already heavy head onto my desk when something caught my eye. Something out of the ordinary. Something that stood out. Something white on the blackboard. But what caught my attention wasn't the colour. It was what it said.

"S4A Boo"

Heck. This wasn't the first time I've witnessed such a terrible thing, but the shock didn't decease. Why would anyone say or write or do something like that? It's not we're freaks or anything. I don't get why some people have to make others feel so unaccepted. Being in the first class doesn't mean that you're a nerd. You don't see me reading everywhere I go. Pfffttt. Whoever that person is, she'd succeeded in annoying me.

Anyway, back when I was in form two, there was also this one time when I overheard someone's conversation. Not on purpose, of course, but they were talking so loudly I bet everyone within ten feet could hear them. Well, we were in the auditorium, watching a movie or something, I think. And I just caught a few sentences here and there. But the most important one was:

"I've heard that the students of class A are weird. Except for xxx"

Okay. No need to point out who that "xxx" is. I guess the only person she knows who's from class A is "xxx". Well, who is she to judge who we are if she didn't even know us then? I don't mind my friends calling me weird but hey, I've never even seen her face before.

Jeez. Why do I even get myself all worked up for such a small matter?

Smile

Everybody has those days

When you don't feel like doing anything

When you just feel like keeping to yourself

When you feel like nobody understands

When you feel like you can't even breathe

You feel so lost.

But that's okay.

You don't have to do anything.

You don't have to be anyone.

You don't have to be perfect.

You don't have to please everyone.

You don't have to fake a smile.

Just because you have to.

What's the point of laughing

If you don't feel like it?

What's the point of smiling

If it didn't come from within you?

If you just smiled because you needed to.

Thoughts.

Your thoughts are the only thing

that controls your mood.

And you're the only one

who controls your own thoughts.

Not your parents.

Not your friends.

Not any of them.

So

I'm gonna smile.

As if I don't have a single thing to worry about

As if I were free from this cage called 'life'

As if everything is alright

As if my life is flawless.

I'm gonna smile.

And everything's gonna be better.

Innocent

Life.

There's just too many things to say about you.

And yet, I can't seem to find the appropriate words to do so.

Sometimes

You feel so lost

You feel as if the whole world's doing their own thing

But you have no idea what to do

What to think

What to feel

You wish you'd never grown up

Never seen the true faces of those people who've hurt you

Never experienced the heart-breaking sadness

Never forgotten how to truly smile

You wish everything could've stayed the same

Beautiful

Simple

And somehow flawless

Too late.

------------------------------

Once again, Taylor Swift has amazed me with her songs.

It made me rethink everything.

Made me stronger.

And maybe even more optimistic.

Thank you, Taylor.

For everything.

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent,
You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would seen what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
When everything out of reach,

Someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent.
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent.
You're still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It's never too late to get it back.

- Taylor Swift - Innocent -

Disappointment

I guess this had always been one-sided.

Guess it was only me who'd thought of us as best friends.

You left me scarred.

Left my heart bleeding without telling me the way to stop the pain.

And you know what the worst part is?

It's that you didn't even know.

How could you?

How many times have I tried

to stop my tears from escaping from the corner of my eyes,

practically failed, and ended up letting them mix with the water pouring down on my head?

I've lost count.

How much longer do I have to pretend,

To act as if everything's fine when nothing is?

I don't know.

Have you ever felt like you don't fit in?

Have you ever felt like you're left out?

Have you ever felt like you've been stabbed in the back?

Have you ever felt like you have no idea what's going on around you and no one's gonna bother to tell you?

Trust me.

I know how it feels like 'cause I just felt all of those in a day.

Really.

I'm disappointed in you.

Since when did you become like that?

Was I gone from your world for such a long time?

Were you like this from the beginning

and I just didn't know you well enough?

Or am I the one who'd changed?

I'll have to say it's true.

Time changes everything.

It's enough

I've done all I could think of

Chased down all my demons

I've seen you do the same

Letting go

I really don't know what to do right now.

Or what to say.

I don't think I need to explain anymore.

'Cause explaining just leads to more questions.

And more scars.

I gave my best.

I tried my hardest.

But I guess my best just ain't the best.

Please.

Don' trust me.

Don't put too much hope in me.

Seriously.

Everything that has gone wrong is my fault.

I don't wanna let you all down.

Maybe I should just let go to save you all.

There I was again tonight

Forcing laughter faking smiles

Same old tired lonely place

Sometimes

Sometimes,

I just wanna say;

That I'm already in pieces,

That I'm not okay.

Sometimes,

I just wanna hide;

Better to keep others out of my world,

Than to invite them in and lie.

Sometimes,

I just wanna run away,

From all the madness,

From all the pain;

Back to the times when I was little,

And everything was beautiful,

When life was less bitter,

And fate was less cruel.

Sometimes,

I just wanna pretend;

That I never knew all the things I know,

That I never saw all the things I've seen;

That all those things that I've heard were lies,

That I was numb to everything and nothing can hurt me.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't wanna be a faker.

But I guess it's just inevitable.

Blind

Sometimes, it's just easier to pretend that you didn't see what you just did.

To just fake a smile and act like everything normal.

But, isn't it sad that one single word is all that it takes to bring you down?

I don't wanna be so easily controlled.

Believe me, I don't.

Sometimes, words can hurt. A LOT.

Fake

I'm so happy recently.
I think I'm gonna go over to a corner.
I have no idea why though.
And cry till my eyeballs drop out.
Maybe it's the holidays?
And lose so much water that I don't have to worry about going overweight.

I'm HAPPY

I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.
I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY.

I was lying.