Controlling people?? Me????

I know that I can't get everything under control.

To be honest, I'm already losing my grip.

Just a slight weakening of the muscles and it's the end for me.

With you guys, I have to be strict.

I have to put on a straight face all the time.

I don't want you all to take me as a joke.

And I don't give a damn if you wanna go and oh-so-childishly boycott me.

With you guys, I have to be friendly.

I have to wear a smile on my lips.

Sort of, 'ordering' you guys by still using a warm tone.

But sometimes, I still can't get you all to do the things I want you all to do.

With you guys, I have to act like I don't care.

And try to cover for you guys when you were having forty winks in class.

But, I still don't get why I'm always the last one to know something.

With you guys, I have to be superwoman.

Going solo probably 24/7.

With you guys, I have to be happy.

'Cause I don't wanna ruin your mood.

With you, I have to ignore the way your eyes shine.

Trying my best to stop the door of my memories from opening.

With you, I have to be optimistic.

'She doesn't know how to control her own pressure.' someone said.

Yeah. But is it really my duty to cheer you up every time you have one of your mood swings?

But with you, I just have to be myself.

You shine.

Even brighter than the Sun.

Always so rife with energy.

You make me so happy, just by being yourself.

Thank you. =)

Confused

How can it be wrong to do something you love doing?

How can you ask me to ignore those feelings that bundles up in my heart??

How can something that feels so right be so wrong?

I don't get it.

So what if you think that I'm better at academics?

Like that changes anything.

I don't wanna become a dentist. -No offence for those who actually do-

Why can't you accept the fact that I don't wanna be who you want me to be?

Yes, I know, money makes the world go round and all but...

Isn't happiness important as well??

I don't wanna die rich but miserable.

You didn't even give me a chance to explain.

You just questioned everything that I believed in.

Do you feel happy?

Shattering other people's dreams??

I don't need your blessings.

Just quit stopping me from believing.

The moment when your heart pumps blood through your blood vessels faster than a roller coaster cart, when you feel like there's a light shining through you, when you see your own reflection in the eyes of others... That's the moment I'm waiting for.

Water flooded over my head
As I released the tension entangled with my veins
As I slowly let the picture of you in my head fade away
As I closed my eyes and let my tears mix away with the seawater
Silently, I let the water took control of me
Drown me with all those depression and despair I carry inside

I tried my best to smile
As I let my imagination run wild
What if you did as I wished?
What if you had looked out for me?
What if you...
What if you realised that I can't be everything you want me to be?
That something's not right whenever you're not by my side?
That I'm sending out the signs but you're not receiving them?

But then, I know better
I know that all that I wished will happen will never happen
I know that you are untouchable, unreachable...
I know that that's everything you'll never ever see...

I'm just the messed-up part of your life
Just clinging to the memory of you

Why am I still hanging onto our memory
when I know you'd already moved on?

Nothing Can Describe

Nothing can describe the feeling that tugs at my heart
When your MSN icon turns green and yet we're not having a conversation.
When I stare at the phone for hours and yet there's no sign of your reply.
When I type sentences and yet all I get from you is an 'LOL'.
When I look at you and yet you're looking away.
When my eyes come across yours and see that they twinkle so brightly as you stare at her.
When I pick up the phone, wishing that it's you and yet it's not.
When I look back at all my songs and realize that they're all for you.
When I reread my diary and find that you left your name all over it.
When I finally gain enough courage to talk to you but then you went offline.
When I open my mouth to talk to you just to see you teasing her.
When I made a feeble lie and yet you believed me.

Should I feel happy that you trust me?
Or should I be sad because you can't see through my lies the way you used to?

I don't know what I should do.
And my heart's not telling me what to do.
I really, really, really wanna do something.
Even if I'm just a useless piece of crap.
I know you will never, ever, ever see this.
But, I just wanna say that
Every single song I wrote, I wrote it for you
Every single diary page I wasted, I wasted it for you
Every single peep I took as you walked away, I took it for you...

Maybe I'm just selfish.
I don't wanna let go of your so-called 'love' towards me.
Maybe I'm just a coward.
I dare not let go of you because I don't know what I would be without you.
I dare not lift my head up because I know that I would see you walking away from me.
I dare not look into your eyes because I know that I would see someone else inside them.
I dare not talk to you because I know that I would get hurt.
I dare not bump into you because I know that it is not me that you'd want to bump into.

I'm so damn useless.